The Singing Bank Robber

Bernie Mctavish had had a bad day at the office. He hadn't really got anything done all day. Then his wife rang to say that a pipe had burst under the hall floor. Everything was all right, but he would have to climb in through the window, because the furniture was in front of the door. Bernie put the telephone down with a sigh and put on his black leather motorbike gear. He couldn't see the bag he usually put his office clothes in, so he found an empty cash bag in the safe and stuffed them into that instead. Then he set off for home on his motorbike. It was a dark, damp night. He hadn't gone very far when the motorbike coughed, juddered and stopped. Bernie tried to start the engine again, but it was no good it was broken. With another deep sigh, Bernie dismounted, tucked his helmet under his arm and trudged home. It started to rain.

Oh, bother," said Bernie.

He was nearly home when he realized that he had a stone in his boot. It was hurting his foot and making him limp, but he couldn't be bothered to take it out, so he limped home, feeling very sorry for himself. When he got to the house, he eased open the living room window, threw the cash bag inside and then climbed stiffly in after it.

Now, what Bernie didn't realize is that, as he did this, he was being watched-by two policemen, in a car across the street. n Suspicious behavior!" said one policeman.

Yes said the other. 'And what's more, he looks just like that bank robber we're looking for.'

Inside the house, Bernie gazed down through the hole in the floor. '

It's ok, bad," called Jamie. 'I've found the leak and I think I can fix it."

"Have a cup of tea, dear," said his wife. "And look what I got for you today. Its part of you're fancy dress costume for the party tomorrow night. Try it on."

Bernie tried it on. It was a funny mask, made up of a pair of glasses, a large nose and a fake moustache all joined together. "Oh you look terrific," laughed his wife.

Just then there was a loud, insistent knock at the door, and a guff voice said, "Open up! We know you're in there!"

Bernie and Gladys Mctavish looked nervously at each other and started to heave the furniture out of the way.

When they finally managed to open the door, Bernie and Gladys were surprised to see two stern-looking policemen on the doorstep.

"Right don't move, "said the first one. "We have reason to believe, sir, that you are the man who robbed the bank in the High Street this afternoon. You don't have to say anything..."

"Me?" cried Bernie. "But I know nothing about any bank robbery."

"You fit the description perfectly, sir. I suggest take off that foolish disguise. We've got you now." Bernie took off his mask. "What description?"

"Leathers, slicked-black hair, limp. It's you exactly. Did you think you could evade arrest by barricading yourself into the house, sir?"

"No," said Bernie. "You see, there's a leak. Jamie's down there now fixing it. We had to move the furniture to get at the floorboards."

"And I suppose" said the second policemen with a grin, "that's why you had to climb into the house through a window."

"Yes, exactly," said Bernie. The policemen scratched his head and looked doubtful." And how do you explain the large, and rather full cash bag we saw you with earlier?

'That was the suit that I wear in the office," said Bernie. 'I always change before I come home. And my hair isn't slicked back, it's wet. I got caught in a large downpour."

'This all seems very unlikely, sir," said the first policemen. 'How do you explain the bowling ball?"

"Bowling ball?"

'The robber threatened to knock over the bank staff with a bowling ball if they didn't hand over the cash. We clearly with a bowling ball tucked under you're arm, sir. You can't escape us." For a moment Bernie didn't know what on earth they were talking about. Then his face brightened.

'Oh, no," he said. 'That's not a bowling boll. That's my motorbike helmet.' He showed them the helmet.

'Ah-ha,"said the policemen, as if he'd finally found the flaw in Bernie's argument. "But you arrived on foot."

'Yes my bike broke down," said Bernie 'You see, there's an explanation for everything."

'And the limp?" asked the second policemen, looking more and more puzzled.

'A stone In my boot," said Bernie. He took off his boot and held it upside-down, and a tiny stone tinkled out on the floor.

The first policemen whispered something to the second policemen. The second policemen looked doubtful for a moment and said, 'Can you sing for us please, sir?"

'Sing?" said Bernie.

'Yes, sing a song for us."

"Anything in particular, officer?" asked Bernie. He was beginning to think these two policemen were completely mad.

'Something from an opera, sir."

'But I don't know anything opera."

'Well anything will do," said the second policemen.

Bernie took a deep breath and started to sing When the red, red robin comes bob-bob-bobbing along..."

It sounded terrible. Bernie had never been much of a singer. He sounded a cat stuck in a tree.

'Well, that's it," said the policemen. 'This is the wrong chap. He isn't singing bank robber."

"It is?" said the first. " I mean, he isn't?'

"Yes, he isn't." "

Everyone looked at the second policemen in complete bewilderment. "Why?' they asked.

'Well, while the staff filling the cash bag, the robber was singing-something from an opera. And an eye witness..."

"Or an ear witness," suggested Gladys.

" . . . an ear said he sounded quite good. Very good, in fact. So this man, who fits the description in every way, but sounds like a parrot with a stomachache, can't possibly be him."

"My singings not that bad," said Bernie.

'We're sorry to have troubled you, madam," said the first policemen, and as they turned to leave, he added, "I'd get this mess sorted out if I were you."

"Bernie sat down heavily on an upturned bucket and sighed. Could things possibly get any worse? Just then Jamie appeared through the hole in the floor. He was dripping wet."

"I can't fix the leak, dad," he said. "There's a lot of water coming in. Have you got a bucket?" Bernie passed him his motorbike helmet.

"Use this," he sighed.